Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Getting on and riding.

Sometimes it is so freakin hard, I love to ride but I feel overwhelmed by the stuff I should do (or the stuff I think I should do) or I fuck off on the internet for hours because I'm either having a bad health day or just being neurotic. I am excited about the event coming up and it is a beautiful day outside so I think I just need to make a list of the things I want to do this week and stop being scared (and hiding)

The big one I am avoiding is figuring out the health stuff, I have numbers to call to set something up to get tested for an autoimmune disorder, I have had several people, including my mom(a massage therapist) and a good friend ( a nurse who has an auto immune) tell me that the crinkling and pain in my joints is arthritis. A friend recommend a holistic doctor type who I can see, and I am still avoiding it. Part of it is the cost and another part is fear of taking care of myself I guess. I feel angry that I am 24 and having to deal with hurting and fatigue. I don't want to have to take care of myself I just want to ride and have fun like everyone else, it doesn't help that I feel best on a really restrictive diet. I am worried about taking an immune suppressor and also worried if I don't do something now what is it going to be like in 20 years.

I am overwhelmed by choices I feel I should be making, about work stuff. Like what career path I should be on and I guess it is easier to avoid it then to try something new. I know what I don't want to do but don't know if I can make a go of what I do enjoy. A lot of the time I just don't feel well though and I think that needs to be taken care of first.

I am going to trail ride Joy, maybe set up my "arena" and school some dressage stuff but right now I think I need to just ride.

No comments: