Today is a sad day.

Warning, whining ahead.

 The past couple of day I have been really over emotional, depressed and somewhat neurotic.I talked about it today with Joe when he called at his lunch break and told me he loved me which promptly made me burst into tears. Not really a normal response unless I am really Pms-y, which I am not. I realized I don't feel good (I'm apparently a little slow) and I think that's why I have been depressed the past couple of days, literally you can count the number of things I have done lately on one hand and I don't even want to ride. The weather has been shite, just cold and rainy. I am crying at the drop of a hat, every joint aches, especially my hands, my head hurts and I could literally sleep all day. I keep putting off going tot the doctor because it is expensive and I don't think about it when I am feeling good but then I have a couple bad days where I feel awful and am reminded to do it, then I feel better again and put it off. Joe said he is just going to fill out the insurance paper work and take care of me.

I got into a huge disagreement with my FiL last night, who is convinced because I put down bedding that the chicks were going to eat it and all die, I have raised a lot of chicks, my mom does a couple hundred every year and we always used bedding. But my FiL's dad told him never to use bedding and just use newspaper with feed sprinkled on top because it would encourage the chicks to eat and it you put any type of foreign matter in the chicks would eat it and die. I disagree since if you put food down of course the chicks will pick at it, and they aren't so stupid to eat bedding that is to big to fit in their mouths when they have free choice food. Well last night when FiL came over he put newspaper on top of the bedding and my husband couldn't understand why I was so upset, I set the brooder up the way I wanted it, I had a reason for it and I resent being told I am wrong when my way was perfectly fine. I understand FiL was just trying to help but I didn't want help and I wasn't mean about it I just said I disagreed and then ignored him when he was trying to explain why his way was so much better and my way was going to kill all the chicks. Then Joe and I got into an argument because he thought I was being irrational and mean.

Chicks are doing fine, no losses so far despite bedding for the first part of their lives, bunnies all got nails trimmed yesterday and I'm going to put up an ad (even though I would rather not deal with it right now) because they are ready for new homes. I'm going to miss the sweet little things, although I am keeping the grey and white female...

Today is Joe's birthday so I am going to town to pickup tasty noms, and make a cake :) Probably take a bath and read, I'm so fucking exciting.

Getting on and riding.

Sometimes it is so freakin hard, I love to ride but I feel overwhelmed by the stuff I should do (or the stuff I think I should do) or I fuck off on the internet for hours because I'm either having a bad health day or just being neurotic. I am excited about the event coming up and it is a beautiful day outside so I think I just need to make a list of the things I want to do this week and stop being scared (and hiding)

The big one I am avoiding is figuring out the health stuff, I have numbers to call to set something up to get tested for an autoimmune disorder, I have had several people, including my mom(a massage therapist) and a good friend ( a nurse who has an auto immune) tell me that the crinkling and pain in my joints is arthritis. A friend recommend a holistic doctor type who I can see, and I am still avoiding it. Part of it is the cost and another part is fear of taking care of myself I guess. I feel angry that I am 24 and having to deal with hurting and fatigue. I don't want to have to take care of myself I just want to ride and have fun like everyone else, it doesn't help that I feel best on a really restrictive diet. I am worried about taking an immune suppressor and also worried if I don't do something now what is it going to be like in 20 years.

I am overwhelmed by choices I feel I should be making, about work stuff. Like what career path I should be on and I guess it is easier to avoid it then to try something new. I know what I don't want to do but don't know if I can make a go of what I do enjoy. A lot of the time I just don't feel well though and I think that needs to be taken care of first.

I am going to trail ride Joy, maybe set up my "arena" and school some dressage stuff but right now I think I need to just ride.